Event: A particular event in shared reality triggers an awareness that the relationship is not as we want it to be.  There is something about what is happening that is evidence of a problem.  The problem is big enough that at least one party to the relationship decides it is important to address it. 

• One way we talk about the problem is to refer to it as an issue.  We take issue with what someone else is doing or has done.  We have issues with them.  They have an issue with the circumstance.
• Not all issues arise for us with the same intensity or with equal intensity whenever they arise.  How triggered we find ourselves to be can depend greatly on our own emotional state at the time it happens, and can vary with how frequently we have observed the pattern of which this event is but the most recent example.
• In general, the intensity with which we experience the issue is a result of both our attachment to the concern, and the degree to which we differ from the perspective of the other.  The more we care about the issue and the more differently we see it, the more intensely we will encounter the circumstance.

Relationship: There are different ways to structure a stable relationship.  One fundamental source of conflict is confusion about the nature of the relationship itself.  This confusion may be the root of the issue.  It is thus important to clarify the nature of the relationship between the parties at the point of this particular event.

A stable relationship depends upon a balance of rights and responsibilities.  There are three ways to do this. 

• A fiduciary [entrusted] relationship gives one person the rights because they have the responsibilities. 
• A reciprocal relationship has one parties rights balanced by the other parties responsibilities. 
• A mutual relationship is one in which all parties share the same rights and responsibilities.

Conversation:  We already know that we are reacting to the event differently and that this difference is a problem.  To understand more fully what is happening, we need to have a conversation about the issue such that we can each understand and see the validity of the other’s perspective for the other.  We will have a conversation in which we take turns listening and speaking until we each feel fully heard by the other.  For each party to be able to fully participate in the conversation each will need to be as grounded in their own experience as possible.  The relationship may need a Time Out to prepare for this conversation.

Each is in turn the speaker or the listener.  These roles trade back and forth.  Generally the person with the most elevated emotion should be the speaker.

• Speaker is working to tell about their internal experience when the issue arises in a manner that is clear to the listener and safe for the speaker.
• The listener attends to their anxiety so as to fully hear the speaker and to reflect back to the speaker what the speaker reveals about the speaker’s experience.
• This continues until both feel fully heard.  Each doesn’t have to agree with the other but both need to feel validated.

Qualities:  There may be different qualities of being that each party needs, but to the extent that all parties need the same things, it makes sense to work together to create them.  In this step the parties ask the question, “What do we both need?”

Commitments: In order to create the missing qualities, each will need to act in a specific way.  This may or may not be the same action depending on the issue.  This step clarifies what that action is and tests whether each is willing to commit to that behavior.

No agreement lasts forever because relationships are dynamic.  Understand that this issue will arise again and will require us to address it again.

Details of the Discipline

Injunction [What to do]:

[Each of these steps must be taken but they are not always taken is this order. You may find yourself skipping over steps because they are already resolved but if you find the process getting bogged down, you will do well to address them in order.]

Clarify the nature of the relationship: The resolution happens in the context of the relationship as it is defined by the parties. If there is not a clear understanding of the nature of the relationship, or if there are differing perceptions of the nature of the relationship, then the conflicts that arise within it are not resolvable. Indeed, the differing perceptions of the nature of the relationship are a conflict in and of themselves.

Clarify What Actually Happened: The conflict to be resolved stems from the shared reality within the relationship. When there is no shared reality or the parties are not dealing with the reality they both experience, the conflict is not resolvable.

Discover How the Shared Experience Affects Each Other: Even when there is agreement on what happened or what happens, the way the event affects the parties is different. That is intrinsic to there being a conflict. There are five sub-skills to this task.

1. Each party must have the capacity to know how it is being affected and be able clearly describe the effect in such a way that the other parties can know that experience.

3. It must be “safe” to let the others know what is going on with each party.

4. The parties must be able to tolerate hearing that the others are different and to see the difference as valid.

5. Each party must be able to reflect back what the other is saying so that the speaking party knows it is being heard.

Identify Shared Goals: Though there are real differences, there are also shared goals. Without shared goals, there is no basis for a relationship. Identifying those shared goals creates the glue that holds the relationship together.

Commit to Individual Action: Each party has a role in furthering the shared goals. Each will identify a specific course of action that will promote the shared goal. If each party commits to an action and follows through, the common goal is created as well as trust in the relationship.

Rationale [Why do it]:

The truth is we all do this discipline all the time. We just don’t usually break it down into its constituent steps. The reason for listing it is that this one is very hard to do when we are under a lot of stress, and so it really helps if we can identify each of the steps and recognize that we already know how to do this.

We do this because we come across situations in our significant relationships in which we are looking at the same event from very different perspectives and we become afraid that we are going to get stuck. We are going to have bad feelings and we aren’t going to become able to act together to create what we both need.

Promises [What it will get you]:

Done well this will get you

• a clear sense of what is happening,
• an understanding of how the other understands what is happening and what it means to them,
• the knowledge that they care to know what your experience is and are able to see how it is valid for you,
• a clear sense of what you both value and what qualities you are both committed to create in your relationship, and
• an agreement about what you will each do.

 Suggestions [How to do it better]:

The agreement that this process can create for you is not one that will be easy to maintain. Don’t assume that it will be durable. You will likely have to continue to reconstruct it. Notice if this is a problem for you. Sometimes we take such pride in having created the agreement that we feel resentment when it is damaged or broken.

Instead I encourage you to focus on the process of creating the agreement rather than on the agreement itself.  See the process as the goal.  When the agreement is damaged you then have another opportunity to engage in the process. The more you engage in the process the more clearly you are each able to see the qualities you are trying to create together, and the more you have a sense of partnership in creating the relationship.

Remember that, at the Interpersonal tier, we are not trying to make the conflict go away. We are trying to construct relationships in which we can clearly see and honor the validity of each other’s perspective.

If you and your partner create an agreement and it is not kept, then either or both of you are not of one mind about the agreement. This is an opportunity to discover how you are each at odds with yourself over how you each want to be. This is a creative opportunity.